


Holding On Till I'm Gone

by sarcasmisawayoflife



Series: Heart of Stone [2]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Death, Five Year Mission, Fluff, M/M, Sequel, is not who you think, post STID, this might hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-01
Updated: 2013-12-11
Packaged: 2017-12-31 04:34:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 10,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1027282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarcasmisawayoflife/pseuds/sarcasmisawayoflife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything had been going fine.<br/>Three years without  Jim almost dying.<br/>Three years with Joanna learning the ropes.<br/>Three years of false peace.<br/>It was all about to change.</p><p>**THIS IS NOW UNDER MAJOR CONSTRUCTION. IT MAY END UP BEING DELETED. WHO KNOWS.**</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Preface: Floored

**Author's Note:**

> This is a sequel to Heart of Stone. I had this little idea at 2 am and it kind of manifested itself into the perfect sequel.  
> As always I hope you enjoy this!

Bones stood next to Scotty in the transporter room, waiting anxiously for the away team to return. They had lost contact five minutes ago, Spock’s voice coming through in pieces explaining where they would go to be beamed up. Bones huffed and looked down at the screen, waiting for the blips on the screen to signal the away team’s arrival. Scotty was hovering over the control’s staring intensely. 

Suddenly small blips came from the top of the screen. Bones leaned over his medical kit, ready to go at a moment’s notice. Scotty flipped open his communicator.

“Spock to transporter.”

“Spock are yeh ready?”

“Yes. Five to beam up.”

Bones stopped shuffling through his medical supplies to share an anxious glance with Scotty. 

“Are you sure it’s five sir?”

“Yes. I am certain it is five.”

Bones rushed back over to the console as Scotty punched the button. In a swirl of light, the five members of the away team appeared on the transporter pad.

“-GET OFF OF ME! I’M THE CAPTAIN YOU CAN’T JUST DO THIS. WE NEED TO GO BACK! SPOCK SEND ME BACK DOWN DAMNIT.”

Bones watched as Jim struggled in the arms of a security officer, trying desperately to lunge at Spock.

“What’s going on?”

He walked onto the transporter pad, eyes scanning the people who had come back. 

He froze, mouth falling open in disbelief, heart hammering in his chest. He turned to Jim and looked into horrified blue eyes.

“No no no no. Jim no no no. Please no.”

He felt Jim’s arms slide around his waist, tears falling on his neck.

“Jim no it can’t- please Jim please-“

He choked off as a sob went through Jim’s body. Everyone in the room was silent, watching them.

“Jim please where is she? Where’s our girl? Where’s Joanna?”


	2. Three Days Before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Jo are you even going to touch your salad?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! 
> 
> So the first chapter was a little different from how I'm used to starting things out. I kind of started at a not-quite-the-middle spot to capture your attention. Did it work? I hope so!
> 
> Warning: Fluff! Our boys have been in a relationship for a while now so why make that angsty? I did that a lot in Heart of Stone.
> 
> As always Enjoy!!

“Jo are you even going to touch your salad?”

Bones watched as his daughter picked lazily at the salad in front of her. She had a slight frown on her face as she watched Jim wolf down his burger, oblivious to all conversation.

“Jo? You okay darlin’?” Bones leaned over and placed a hand on her arm. She looked at him and her frown increased. Jim had finished his burger and was drinking his sweet tea.   
When he put down the glass he leaned back and groaned.

“I’m never signing on for a double shift again Bones. This is horrible. Why’d I let you talk me into it?”

Bones pulled back from Joanna to smack Jim upside the head.

“I didn’t you moron. I told you that it would be a good idea because you’re Captain. I didn’t talk you into it. You did that all by yourself if I remember.”

Jim rubbed the back of his head where Bones had hit him and pouted. 

“That wasn’t nice!”

“You don’t pay me to be nice kid.”

“I don’t pay you! Starfleet pays you!”

“Okay then they don’t pay me to be nice to your moronic ass.”

Jim smiled and pulled him in to a small kiss. Bones rolled his eyes but accepted it before pulling back and looking back at Joanna, the frown on her face fixed in place.

“Jo what’s going on?”

She looked between the two of them before crossing her arms around her chest, leaning back in her seat.

“I want to go planet side this time.”

Both men froze. It was a topic they had discussed intensely over the past few years, debating which trips were safe enough for Joanna to accompany them on. They next one was a   
simple drop in to finalize the negotiations with a new ally. It wasn’t dangerous in general, but if things went wrong it could turn that way quickly.

Jim let out a breath and let one hand run through his hair, the other seeking Bones’ under the table. When he found it he gave a gentle squeeze of reassurance. 

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

Joanna looked between the two men in disbelief. In the three years they had been in space she had gone on two missions that didn’t involve shore leave. Bones grunted but   
nodded his head.

“It’s time you started getting your heels in the dirt Jo.”

Jim smiled and squeezed his hand again. It had taken a lot of persuasion and prodding and pleading to finally get Bones to understand that Joanna was going to become a   
Captain one day and need experience in the tougher situations. Bones eventually caved when Jim told him that wherever Joanna went he would go as well.

“Plus Bones we always have Spock.”

“Yeah that’s heartening. Tickle me pink.”

Jim had rolled his eyes, pulled him in to a hug and then shut off the lights, effectively ending the conversation.

Now Joanna surveyed both their faces, looking for a hidden sign.

“So what’s the catch?”

They both raised an eyebrow simultaneously. She snickered but didn’t mention it.

“No catch. You get to come.”

Her smirk slid off her face. She looked between their serious faces one more before flinging herself out of her seat and into their laps.

“You guys are the best Dads in the universe!”

She pecked them both on the cheek before getting up and putting her tray in the recycling chute, waving goodbye as she headed out of the mess.

Bones turned in his seat to look at Jim. They were alone in their little corner now, everyone preparing for the shift rotation. He pulled him into a hug, arms winding around Jim’s   
waist.

“I’ll see you after beta shift Bones. Try and get some rest. You look exhausted.”

Bones pulled back, shaking his head. 

“I can’t I have to do these reports and fill out a log then sign off on an experiment the lab needs to start doing tomorrow.”

Jim frowned at him.

“You’re going to take a break, Captain’s orders.”

“You can’t play that card every time Jim.”

“Captain can do what he pleases Bones. You should know that by now.” He smirked at Bones’ eye roll and then stood up, grabbing both of their trays.

Bones grumbled something about ‘taking his own tray damnit’ and followed Jim out of the mess. They walked to the turbo lift, shoulders bumping into each other as they walked.   
Bones finally reached over and shoved Jim to the other side of the corridor.

“Is your coordination that bad that you can’t walk in a straight line?”

Jim laughed and pressed the button for the turbo lift. They got in and Bones pressed their respective buttons. When the doors slid closed he found himself pressed into the wall of   
the lift by Jim. Lips crashed into his roughly. He pushed back with his own forcefully, responding to Jim’s enthusiasm with equal relentlessness. When the lift stopped Jim pulled   
back, breathing hard. Bones smiled, ruffled his hair and walked off of the lift.

“Hey Bones!”

He turned to look at a well- kissed Jim in the doors of the lift.

“Yeah kid?”

“I love you, you grumpy ass.”

Bones laughed and gave him the finger.

“Love you too moron.”

The lift doors closed on Jim’s grin. Bones sighed and walked down the corridor to their quarters. When the door hissed open he felt his shoulders relax minutely, not realizing   
they were tense in the first place. Their rooms were not the neatest. Jim had clothes thrown haphazardly over any surface he deemed fit. Their personal knick knacks filled up the   
other spaces. Paper books scattered the small shelf above their desks, PADDs were scattered around. It was home. 

Bones walked into their bedroom and stripped out of his uniform, heading towards the shower. The sonic wasn’t as good as a real shower, but it did the job. He stepped out and   
padded softly back into the bedroom, rummaging in his wardrobe for civvies. 

Pulling on flannel pants and a t-shirt he climbed into the large bed and rolled over onto his side, Jim’s plastic heart stood on his nightstand. Bones smiled as he closed his eyes.


	3. Two Days Before (Morning)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bones woke up abruptly; sweat poring off of him, breath coming in gasps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there! This chapter is a little long so I'm breaking it into two parts.
> 
> So I am kind of freaking out as much as you are because JOANNA.
> 
> I hope you Enjoy!

Bones woke up abruptly; sweat poring off of him, breath coming in gasps. Next to him Jim sat up, one hand running up his back in small soothing circles. They sat there until Bones’ breathing started to even out, heart rate slowing down. He reached out and found Jim’s other hand, grasping it tightly.

“What was it this time?” Jim asked softly, allowing for the quiet of the room to be broken. Bones looked back at him, eyes pained.

“You were in the vines this time and Jo was trying to cut you out but she missed a piece and it-“ He choked off and shuddered. Jim didn’t say anything, just kept rubbing small   
circles into his back. Bones blew out a breath and leaned into his chest, letting the tears he had held in spill over. Jim pressed a kiss to his hair and rested his chin on his head.

“It always gets bad when you aren’t going on the mission doesn’t it?”

He nodded.

“Do you think coming along will help?”

He shook his head.

“What can I do Bones?”

He twisted to look into pained blue eyes. Bones pulled their foreheads together. 

“Just don’t do something stupid.”

Jim smiled and pressed a soft kiss to his lips before pulling them back into a sleeping position, Bones’ head against his chest. 

“I won’t do anything remotely stupid.”

Bones sighed and closed his eyes again. The chrono read that they had three more hours before alpha shift. Jim’s hand trailed up and down his back, lulling him into a peaceful   
sleep.

 

When he woke up to the sound of the alarm his cheek was glues to Jim’s chest. Jim slapped the chrono on the bedside table and groaned. 

“Can’t we stay in bed?”

It was a routine question Jim asked every morning before they both rolled out of bed. Bones smiled and pulled his cheek off of the muscled pillow below him. He ran a hand   
through his hair as he sat up. Jim smiled appreciatively at him before following his lead and getting out of bed. He went over to his drawers and pulled out his uniform for the day,   
picking out Bones’ as well. 

Bones got up and stretched, eyeing the sonic in the bathroom.

“Wanna take a shower kid?”

Jim turned around and grinned at him before abruptly pulling off his boxers and walking into the bathroom. Bones shook his head but followed him into the sonic. It wasn’t as nice as real water running down his tense muscles but it was a damn sight better with Jim rubbing his back at the same time. He turned around and looked into Jim’s soft face.   
How did he ever end up this lucky?

“Well you threatened to throw up on me and then the rest is history.”

Bones jumped a little at the smirk on Jim’s face.

“Didn’t know I said that out loud.”

Jim turned off the sonic and stepped out, pulling Bones with him. He grabbed two towels and threw one at Bones before wrapping his own around his waist. Bones mimicked him   
and went over to their sink, picking up his toothbrush.

It was so domestic, the way they lived together. Sure they did it out in the middle of the black in a tin can, but they really had a life together. Bones spit into the sink and walked   
into the bedroom to a half dressed Jim hoping around on one foot as he tried to put on a sock. 

“You could sit down you know.”

“That would require my ass on the bed and therefore making me not want to go to the bridge. AHHH!” 

Bones watched as Jim slid the sock on and slumped over, hitting the ground with a dull thud. He chuckled and went around the side of the bed to see Jim pouting up at him.

“Remind me to practice my balance next time we go to the gym.”

Bones laughed and held out his hand for Jim to take. He pulled him into a hug before releasing him to get dressed.

Jim was just pulling on his shirt when their door chimed. He walked out of the room and into the kitchen, calling for the door to open as he did so.

“Morning!”

Joanna walked into the kitchen and planted a small kiss on his cheek. Jim smiled and put down the PADD he had been looking at. Joanna sat down across from him, bouncing in   
her seat. Bones walked into the kitchen and planted a kiss on her head before going over to the replicator and ordering their breakfast. 

 

“You were the first one in here Jim. Couldn’t even order.” He grumbled as he sat picked up the tray of food and sat it down in the middle of the table. Jim plucked the plate of short   
stacks and started shoveling them into his mouth. Bones scowled at him and dug into his own plate. Joanna plucked an orange from the tray and twirled it in her hands. 

“What’s up Jo?”

She stopped the orange and looked up nervously at them. Jim swallowed hard and shoved another large forkful of pancake into his mouth. 

“Can’t you eat like a normal person Jim? Jesus.”

Jim smiled around the pancake in his mouth and shook his head.

“I have a date!” Joanna blurted the sentence into the kitchen.

Both men stopped moving and turned to look at her. She was smiling nervously at them, orange twirling in her hands again. Jim swallowed the food in his mouth as Bones let the   
fork he had half raised to his mouth fall with a clatter onto the plate in front of him.

“I’m sorry what?” 

Jim’s eyes went wide at the calmness in Bones’ tone. He tried to convey his message to Joanna. ‘RUN. GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN. WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE? GO RUN’

“I have a date tonight.”

Bones blew out a breath and picked up his fork again.

“Who with?”

“Ensign Smith from engineering.”

Jim’s eyes widened slightly more. 

“He doesn’t have the best reputation Jo.”

Joanna turned to look at him, resolve strong in her features.

“He isn’t what people make him out to be. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to get up to the bridge.”

She stood up and placed the orange back on the tray. Jim and Bones watched her walk out of the room, hearing the hiss of the door closing after her.

“Where the hell are they going to have their date?”

Jim frowned at Bones but didn’t answer him. 

 

They finished their food and put the tray into the recycling chute. Bones followed Jim out of their rooms and walked with him to the turbo lift. They each pressed their buttons and   
stood at the back as a few Ensigns piled in with them. When they hit the floor for MedBay Bones nodded to him and walked out. 

Jim walked onto the bridge and smiled at his chair. 

“Keptin on the bridge!”

“Morning Chekov.”


	4. Two Days Before (Evening)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim slammed his tray down on the table in front of Bones and began to unceremoniously shovel salad into his mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Everyone!  
> Thank you for the reviews and kudos!!!  
> This chapter is the second half of the previous one. Its very personal to me and you'll see why.  
> It's almost Day Zero again so buckle up.
> 
> As always Enjoy!

Jim slammed his tray down on the table in front of Bones and began to unceremoniously shovel salad into his mouth. Bones looked up, eyebrow rising. Jim never got salad unless he pestered him into it. He watched as a scowl overtook Jim’s face as he picked up more lettuce with his fork, eyeing it with disdain. Bones sighed and put down the PADD he had been reading.

“Did the salad personally offend you in some way Jim?”

Jim looked up at him, mouth full of food. He swallowed and shoved the empty bowl away from him, pulling the rest off his food closer.

“No.” He mumbled the answer before starting in on his replicated pasta dish. Bones sighed and moved his tray to the side, looking around the mess. A few Ensigns were on the   
other side of the room, talking animatedly over a PADD one was holding. Scotty and Keenser had their heads together looking over something Galia was showing them. He turned   
his attention back to Jim to see the man glaring down at his dish.

“Jim seriously what’s got you all worked up?”

Jim sighed and pushed his food away from him and looked up into Bones’ hazel eyes.

“I kind of got into a thing with Jo…..on the bridge…..in front of everyone.”

Bones leaned back in his chair, baffled.

“About what?”

“Her date.”

Bones nodded.

“Bones it was really bad. She yelled at me in the lift. She hasn’t yelled at me since Tarsus.”

 

“Jim calm down. What did you say to her?”

Jim took a deep breath.

“I told her to be careful and that I wanted her to come by our rooms at one tonight so we know that she got back to hers okay. She said she was an adult and that I didn’t need to   
look after her anymore. I said that it was my job to look after her and she stormed off into the lift and I followed her. She punched the button for the emergency stop and then she   
started yelling at me how I was being unreasonable and if she wanted to spend the whole night out she would and that she would absolutely not be coming by our rooms tonight   
to check in and that I needed to get a grip.

Then I started yelling back at her about how I know what kind of rumors went on about Smith and that I didn’t want her to be a notch in his bedpost and then, oh boy Bones she   
flipped out. She said that was rich coming from me and that I was so much worse than Smith before we got together and that I had no right to say a bad word against him without   
knowing how he treated her.

I was so shocked Bones. I just pressed the emergency button so the lift would move again and then I got out here and she went to her room.”

Bones sat with his mouth hanging open. It wasn’t a typical expression one would see him make in public and Jim knew he couldn’t help the shock rolling through him.

“She said that to you?”

Jim nodded and started playing with his food.

“Jim that’s-she can’t. Maybe she shouldn’t go on the away mission. Teach her a lesson.”

Jim shook his head vehemently.

“No that’s work stuff not personal stuff. She’s right though. I really can’t tell her what she can and can’t do. She’s an adult.”

“She crossed a line Jim. What she said was-“

“Completely accurate. Bones we both know I couldn’t-wouldn’t- keep it in my pants back at the academy. I have a reputation longer than the list of people on this ship.”

Bones scowled.

“Stop playing with your food damn it. What are you ten?”

Jim smiled slightly and put his fork down.

“Only sometimes.”

Bones sighed and picked up their trays, bringing them to the recycling chute. He walked back over to Jim and offered him his hand. They were off- duty now and the small sign of affection was appropriate. Bones wasn’t one for PDA but these small moments reminded Jim just how much they needed to know the other was there, alive, breathing. Too many close calls ingrained the need in them. 

Bones pulled him along out of the mess, nodding to Scotty as he came up behind them with Keenser. When they had all gotten into the lift Jim pressed the emergency stop button and turned to the engineers.

“What do you know about Ensign Smith?”

“Jim come on we can’t-“

“No Bones! I want to know everything. The least he could have done was come see us before asking out Joanna. That in itself seems strange to me.”

Scotty looked between the two, confusion written all over his features. 

“Wee lass has a date with Smith?”

“Yeah and I want to know what you know about him.” Jim leaned up against the lift’s wall, crossing his arms in anticipation. Bones huffed but leaned against the wall next to him,   
shoulder brushing his. Scotty frowned a little and Bones could almost see him thinking about the personal files in his PADD.

“Righ’ Smith. Well he works hard. Never late for his shift. Been to medical a few times because of stupid mistakes. Not on his part mind you, the people before him. Ummm let’s   
see…… Respectful-“

“RESPECTFUL?”

Scotty jumped at Jim’s shout. He was glaring now. Bones could almost see the smoke coming off of him. 

“IF HE WAS RESPECTFUL HE WOULD HAVE COME TALK TO US LIKE ANY NORMAL PERSON!”

Bones placed a hand on Jim’s shoulder, silently asking him to calm down. He felt the tension in his muscles and the way he was trembling. 

Scotty frowned deeper.

“I’m sorry I can’t give yeh much more.”

Bones looked at him and nodded, pressing the emergency stop button to get the lift moving again. They left Scotty and Keenser in the lift when they hit they’re floor. Bones   
tugged on Jim’s arm gently, leading him down the hall to their rooms. 

When the door closed behind them Jim moved over to the couch and flopped down, arm dangling over his eyes.

“You know I called your mom Bones. After we started going out I called her and asked her if it was okay. She was shocked that I had called. You wanna know why? She thought we had already been dating! I mean I know I had met her a bunch of times before but I just wanted to ask for real permission you know? I would have asked her if I could marry you but you beat me to the punch.”

He watched as Jim played with the silver ring on his finger. They hadn’t had the chance to get married yet because Bones had asked him right before their mission had started.   
They had contemplated doing it on another Federation planet but decided against it because Jim had insisted they do it in Georgia. Both were comfortable with the decision. They wanted the wedding to be right, not rushed. 

Bones smiled and came to sit on the couch with Jim, lifting his feet and plopping them in his lap. He took off Jim’s boots and placed them on the floor next to the couch, rubbing the soles of his feet as he did so. Jim sighed and relaxed back into the couch. 

“I just don’t want her to get hurt Bones. I was him. I know what he’ll try and do and it makes me sick to my stomach.”

“Jim Joanna isn’t stupid. She knows what she’s doing. We just need to trust her. She’s right on one thing; she’s an adult. We can’t really do anything.”

Jim sighed and sat up, arms circling around Bones’ shoulders. 

“I know I just….”

“I know kid. Me too.”

They sat there for a while, foreheads pressed together, eyes closed. The rooms were quiet and it calmed their nerves. 

When Bones felt Jim’s arms falling off of him he smiled and opened his eyes to a very sleepy Jim Kirk settling in to the couch.

“No come on Jim let’s go to the bed. You should get changed too.”

Bones pulled him off of the couch and they walked into their bedroom. The chrono read 0200. Bones discretely pushed it to face the wall, not wanting Jim to get worked up again. 

They changed quickly. Jim walked into the bathroom and Bones was pulling down the covers when their door chimed. He frowned and moved to get the door, Jim’s head peeking   
out of the bathroom, toothbrush hanging limply in his mouth. 

Bones pushed for the door to open. Joanna stood outside, shuffling her feet against the ground.

“Hey Dad.”

“Jo.”

He didn’t invite her in. He wasn't sure what to feel with her to say the least. She flinched at the disappointment in his voice before straightening up and looking him in the eye. Jim came up behind Bones, hair ruffled up in odd angles and toothbrush still in his hand.

“Jo.”

She looked at him and tears came into her eyes.

“Papa I’m so sorry.”

Jim let his toothbrush fall to the floor as he pulled her into his arms. Bones closed the door after her and picked up the discarded toothbrush. Joanna sobbed quietly into Jim’s shirt. He swayed them gently back and forth, pressing soft kisses to her hair, murmuring in her ear to calm down. Bones walked over and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder,   
watching the scene before him.

Joanna pulled back and looked up into Jim’s face.

“I’m so sorry I said all those things to you. How can you even look at me oh my god I’m a terrible person Papa I’m so sorry please don’t hate me.”

Jim pulled her to his chest again, eyes searching for Bones, pain written clear as day in his ice-berg blues.

“Jo I could never hate you. Don’t you ever think that please. It might kill me.”

Joanna nodded into his chest but didn’t pull away again, sobs slowly dying down. Jim’s own eyes filled with tears. Bones hugged them both to him, forehead pressed to Jim’s. 

They stood in the huddle for a while, all of their emotions rubbed raw. Jim pulled away first, wiping his eyes on the back of his hand, the other holding on to Joanna’s hand. 

“Are you okay Jo?”

Bones turned her to face him, automatically taking in her physical health. She was tired but looked otherwise fine.

“Yeah I just feel like such a-a- bitch!”

“Language Jo. Look how did it go with Smith?”

She leaned into him, hand still clenching on to Jim’s.

“It went fine. We watched a holo and had dinner then we went to recroom three and played pool.”

Bones planted a kiss on her head and smiled.

“That’s nice to hear darlin’.”

Joanna yawned and moved away from him, towards Jim. She hugged him fiercely again.

“I really am sorry Papa.”

Jim blew out a breath and hugged her back.

“I know kiddo. It’s fine. Just promise me one thing.”

“Anything.”

“Don’t you ever think I hate you okay?”

“Okay.” She mumbled into his shirt. 

They said goodnight and walked her to the turbo lift. When they were back in their room Jim collapsed on the bed, curling into a ball under the covers. Bones slid in next to hi and   
placed one hand on his back.

“Try and sleep Jim.”

He was greeted with a soft snore.


	5. One Day Before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bones rolled over in bed and glared at the chrono on Jim’s nightstand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to apologize for the massive time gap between chapters. Some stuff happened that made me unable to finish it until now.   
> I hope everyone will still follow this story to the end as I have enjoyed writing it so far for you.
> 
> As always Enjoy!

Bones rolled over in bed and glared at the chrono on Jim’s nightstand. Jim’s face was jammed into his pillow, one arm flung over Bones’ waist and the other blindly flailing about to hit the chrono. Bones grunted and shifted himself over Jim, slamming his hand on the snooze button. When he was settled back in the bed he saw Jim peeking at him.

“Mornin’ darlin’”

He let one hand run over Jim’s hair. Jim smiled and propped himself up on one elbow, hovering slightly over Bones. 

“Mornin’” He whispered, eyes shining down at Bones. 

It was in these moments that Bones saw just how much Jim loved him. The way his eyes would spark in the morning when he was still too groggy to function normally, the way he   
would sigh when Bones ran a hand through his hair, and the lazy kisses he would press into Bones’ mouth before getting off of the bed and going to get coffee from the   
replicator.

He watched as Jim stretched his muscles languidly and moved over to the bathroom. He heard the sound of the sonic turn on and he closed his eyes, waiting for the fresh small of coffee to reach him before getting up for the day.

When he went to the replicator he glanced over at the vid screen. A small light signified that they had a message. 

Bones grabbed his cup and walked over to the vid screen as the sonic turned off. Jim came out to stand next to him in his towel, pressing a kiss to his cheek as he grabbed his own cup.

“What’s up Bones?”

“We have a message.”

Jim snorted and pressed the screen for the message to play. It was from Spock.

“Good morning Captain, Doctor. The meeting for tomorrows landing party has been re-scheduled for after Alpha shift. Your presence is requested Doctor. Spock out.”

Jim raised his eyebrows and turned away from the vid screen, moving towards their bedroom. 

“Jim, am I going down with the away team this time? I thought it was diplomatic this time around.”

“Nah Bones! I told you you didn’t have to go on this one because you went on the one for Tanda V.”

Bones scowled at the memory and followed Jim into the bedroom, setting his cup down on the nightstand and pulling out his medical blue shirt. 

“That was horrible and you know it. We spent how many days there trying to get their heads out of their asses? Not to mention you made me stay the. Whole. Time.” 

He turned just in time to see Jim hop into his pants, falling ungracefully as he did so. 

“Ah come on Bones you loved it!”

Bones crossed his arms and looked down at the upside down face of Jim.

“I did not. Hated every minute.”

Jim smiled, eyes lighting up as he reached out for Bones. He sighed and bent down to place an upside down kiss to Jim’s smile. When he pulled back Jim stood up and came over to   
give him a hug, downing the rest of his coffee. 

“Alright I gotta go. I’ll see you half way through Alpha?”

“Yeah I’ll let you know if I can’t make it.”

Jim kissed him once more before flouncing out of their rooms, on the way to the bridge. 

 

Bones sighed, finished his coffee, and got dressed. MedBay was waiting.

 

Half way through Alpha shift Bones pushed away from his desk, sending a quick note to Jim that he was on the way from his comm. 

“I’ll be back in twenty.” 

Chapel smiled at him and nodded. It was routine for him to leave at this time of shift if nothing had exploded in engineering. He made his way to the turbo lift and punched the   
button for the bridge.

When the doors slid open he could almost feel the tenseness in the air. His eyes widened at the scene in front of him as he went to stand at his side of Jim’s chair.

Jim was, though he would claim differently, slouching in his chair, looking back and forth between Spock and Joanna. The two were standing facing each other, Joann’s arms   
crossed and Spock’s behind his back. Joanna was glaring openly at him as Spock’s eyebrow rose into his hairline. Everyone on the bridge was silent, watching the situation play   
out.

“As someone who values Commander Spock I would have assumed you would find my argument valid.”

“That is not what I am suggesting. Your argument is sound and extremely logical. However this particular mission does not need any ‘extra luggage’ as you would put it.”

“I do not think my presence will be a burden and as the Captain has already stated I should be beaming down as well specifically for training.”

“The Captain is also logical in his idea but this is not the mission for that particular part of your tour on the Enterprise.”

Joanna sighed heavily and uncrossed her arms, standing up straighter.

“I understand there are risks on away missions but I feel that, as the Captain has already said I will be coming, I will follow that order, though it is not an official order.”

“We will discuss this further at the away team debriefing. Everyone please continue on with your tasks.”

Spock looked around to see Bones standing behind a sulking Jim. 

“Captain I believe I am need on the M level.”

“You may leave Spock.”

Spock nodded and walked to the lift. When the doors closed everyone seemed to let out a collective breath, turning back to their stations. Bones looked down at Jim, waiting for an explanation.

Jim shook his head and sat up in his chair, motioning for Joanna to come forward. She walked up to stand in front of him, smiling slightly at Bones.

“Hey Dad.”

“Hey Jo.”

“Joanna don’t piss off Spock. He’s looking out for all of us and honestly I almost agree with him. This isn’t what we thought it was and I need you to understand that before we go   
into the debriefing.”

Bones looked down at Jim again, panic starting to fill his head.

“Jim what are you talking about?”

“Not now Bones. You’ll find out at the debriefing. I can’t do it here.”

Bones nodded and looked back up at Joanna, hurt showing through her eyes. 

“Yes sir.”

Jim nodded and she walked back to her post next to Chekov. He started showing her something on the screen, lightening her face up a little. Bones let a small smile grace his lips   
before he schooled his features into his signature scowl. 

Jim watched the whole thing happen and laughed when Bones frowned at him. 

 

Alpha shift ended and Bones ran back down to MedBay to hand over the command to Geoff. When he got back to the ready room off the bridge a small gathering of people were   
already there.

Jim sat at the head of the table, Spock on his right and an empty seat on his left that Bones immediately took. Next to him was Joanna followed by Ensign Smith. Bones realized why Jim was suddenly very stiff next to him. Next to Spock is Officer Hendorff and one of his team and next to him is Uhura. 

Bones looks back up at Jim and waits for him to start the debrief. Jim stood up and looked around the table. 

“Okay as you all know this is a diplomatic mission. The Federation needs to make a new treaty with the Telarites. We just received a message from Starfleet yesterday that the treaty ran out about a week ago, therefore making this a dangerous negotiation. The Telarites shouldn’t do anything to us, as they want to continue to stay with the Federation,   
but that means security detail.”

He nods to Hendorff and his team member. 

Joanna shifts in her seat, eyes flicking over to Spock.

“That is the reason that First Officer Spock feels it would be best if you don’t come Joanna.”

Joanna looked up at him and then at Bones before leaning back in her seat, arms crossing.

“I still hold the belief that it would be beneficial for me to come, especially after this. I will be able to understand the workings of ne negotiations instead of a renewal.”

Jim sighs and looks down at his hands and Bones already knows what he’s about to say.

“I know and I have to agree. I appreciate your concern Spock but I feel that the Telarites won’t mind Joanna’s presence as a prospective Captain.”

“Why not bring Mr. Chekov or Mr. Sulu sir?”

Bones leaned over to look at Ensign Smith. 

“As they have already gone on such missions I do not think the need the training. I need them on the ship. Thank you Ensign Smith.”

Bones glanced up to see Jim’s sharp eyes on Smith. He flinched slightly and then leaned back in his seat, glad he wasn’t at the other end of that glare.

“I’m sorry Captain.”

“That’s fine Ensign. I appreciate your input since you’re coming with us anyway.”

Smith nodded and glanced over at Joanna. She was smiling slightly and looking down at her lap. Jim cleared his throat.

“Alright Bones you’re probably wondering why you had to come. The answer is on your PADD. We’ll meet you in MedBay in the morning.”

Bones nodded and Jim dismissed everyone. He pulled out his PADD and flicked open the message from Spock, reading through it quickly.

“Ah fucking hell!”

Jim laughed as he dragged him out of the room to the mess.


	6. That Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Agh It has taken me forever to do this! 
> 
> Enjoy as always!

“I can’t believe I have to give you these shots.” Bones pushed the hypo gently into Joanna’s neck and stepped away to grab another.

“Their bodies are highly sensitive to the-“

“Please Joanna, if I was ever any sort of father to you, don’t finish that sentence.”

Joanna laughed and angled her neck for Bones to depress the final hypo into her neck. He rubbed the spot and then tapped her shoulder.

“Alright off you go. I’ll meet you in the transporter room.”

She smiled and hugged him goodbye. Bones watched her leave. He sighed quietly and pulled out the next set of hypos.

“Those all for me Bonesy?”

Bones turned around and placed the tray on the biobed, patting the spot next to it.

“Yup. Come here moron, time to dope you up so the Telarites don’t try and steal you away from me.”

Jim laughed and walked over to the bed, sitting down quickly. Bones prepped the first hypo and pulled out Jim’s arm, depressing it quickly into the crook. 

“Ouch! Can’t you learn to be gentle with those things?”

Bones put down the empty applicator and picked up the second, shifting Jim’s head with his hand and stabbing him in the neck.

“You’re just a big child about them. Joanna takes these better than you do.”

“You don’t try to skewer her with them!”

Bones huffed and picked up the last hypo, turning Jim’s head to the other side. He gently depressed the hypo and then placed it back on the tray, his hand still cupping Jim’s   
cheek. He looked back at Jim.

His pupils were blown wide. 

Bones leaned in and kissed him, mouth moving slowly, and tongue running across his bottom lip. Jim moaned and opened his mouth, deepening the kiss. Bones moved in   
between his knees and Jim took the initiative to wrap his legs around Bones’ hips, pulling him closer. Bones broke away from his mouth and moved down to his neck, moving the   
collar of his undershirt to lightly suck at the sensitive skin. 

“Hey Captain we need to-OOOOKAY nope no I so did not just see that!”

Joanna backed out of the room as Bones and Jim broke apart, stupid smiles on both their faces. 

“Right okay mission time!”

Jim hoped off the table and walked out of the room, Bones following him quickly.

They all walked to the turbo lift in silence, Joanna’s face a bright red. Bones smiled and pulled her into a hug.

“Oh Dad please no. Not after what I saw.”

Jim laughed and smushed up against them, encircling Bones’ back with his arms, Joanna mused between their bodies.

“Oh my god I’m going to need so much therapy now.”

They pulled away, grins on their faces, as the doors opened to the transporter room. They walked in, Bones going to stand by Scotty at the controls. Jim hoped up onto the   
transporter and clapped Spock on the shoulder. 

“Ready to go?”

“Captain as I am already standing the transporter pad I would hope that you realize that I am ready to depart.”

“Right Spock. Alright let’s get this show on the road okay?”

Everyone got into their positions around the room. 

Jim nodded to Bones and smiled quickly, his energy radiating out of him in waves. Joanna sent him a small wave from her position next to Smith on the pad. Bones smiled back at   
her.

“Energize!”

Bones watched them disappear from the room. When the last of the white light dissipated he turned to Scotty, nodded, and walked out of the room. He had work to do.

*******

They materialized in front of a group of six humanoid figures. Jim bowed to them and introduced himself as they were lead into the city. Joanna stayed close to Smith, almost touching his hand. 

They were lead to a large building at the center of the city. The design was simple but the details were exquisite. Joanna reached out and touched the door, eyes roaming over the carvings into the wood. 

“It is impressive to you?”

She turned to look up at a Telarite.

“Yes it’s beautiful.”

He nodded and gestured for her to continue moving. She caught up to the group just as they turned into a room off of the antechamber. It was large, a table stretching across its   
length.

They took their seats and waited.


	7. Not What We Were Expecting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy Always!

“What do you mean?”

The Telarite across from Jim cocked his head to the side. 

“What I mean Captain is that we need to be able to trust you. Recently we went through a rough period. We lost thousands of lives and your Federation didn’t send the provisions   
we required. We asked for them to uphold their end of the treaty and they did not. Why should we agree to continue?”

Jim glanced over at Spock and saw him tense. That was never a good sign. He looked back at the Telarite.

“What do you want?”

The Telarite smiled and Jim noticed it as a signal a moment too late. Jim stood up and watched as a Telarite grabbed Joanna by the arm, pulling her from her seat.

“Get OFF ME. What do you think you’re doing!?”

“LET HER GO.”

“PAPA!”

Jim watched as they pulled her out of the room. He surged forward, trying to grab her back. Spock’s strong grip was on his shoulder though. He jerked forward but was blocked   
by Hendorff.

“LET HER GO. THIS IS KIDNAPPING. YOU CAN’T DO THIS.”

The Telarite across from him stood up and slammed his hand on the table. Joanna was holding on to the doorframe, desperately trying to claw her way back in.

“Enough! We are trying to make a point to your Federation. Return to your ship. Do not return. We keep the girl.”

“No!”

Jim watched as they pulled Joanna from the room, her screams echoing off the walls. Spock pushed Jim forward into Hendorff’s arms and they started walking, leaving the building   
and out into the street, Jim screeching the whole way. 

“GET YOU FUCKING HANDS OFF ME. JOANNA! JOANNA! I’M COMING TO GET YOU JO. I’M COMING. LET GO OF ME DAMN IT.”

“Spock to transporter.”

“Spock are yeh ready?”

“Yes. Five to beam up.”

Jim broke free from Hendorff and started back up the steps. Smith grabbed his arms and yanked him back. 

“Are you sure it’s five sir?”

“Yes. I am certain it is five.”

Jim whirled around as the white light encased them.

“-GET OFF OF ME! I’M THE CAPTAIN YOU CAN’T JUST DO THIS. WE NEED TO GO BACK! SPOCK SEND ME BACK DOWN DAMNIT.”

Bones watched as Jim struggled in the arms of a security officer, trying desperately to lunge at Spock.

“What’s going on?”

He walked onto the transporter pad, eyes scanning the people who had come back. 

He froze, mouth falling open in disbelief, heart hammering in his chest. He turned to Jim and looked into horrified blue eyes.

“No no no no. Jim no no no. Please no.”

He felt Jim’s arms slide around his waist, tears falling on his neck.

“Jim no it can’t- please Jim please-“

He choked off as a sob went through Jim’s body. Everyone in the room was silent, watching them.

“Jim please where is she? Where’s our girl? Where’s Joanna?”

 

(Joanna)

She was dragged down a hallway, feet dragging behind her. It wasn’t as if she didn’t put up a fight. She struggled against the Telarite’s strong grip, listening to the fading screams of Jim. 

“Let me go!”

“No.”

“Please?”

The Telarite didn’t answer her. Instead he pushed her into a room on the right, shutting the door behind her. She turned and looked around.

She screamed.

***

Joanna moved quietly around the room, looking for an escape route. The door was out of the question. She moved around the chair in the center of the room and went to the   
opposite wall, gently knocking on it. Solid. She went to the side walls. Both solid. 

“Shit.”

She walked back to the back of the room and leaned against the wall, arms crossed across her chest. She was trained to handle these situations. She knew protocol. She knew she   
didn’t have any valuable information for them to get from her. She knew this would go slowly and painfully and she would need to remain calm throughout. 

She braced herself against the wall in a relaxed stance, willing to do anything to throw off the Telarites. It wouldn’t be long before they would come for her. 

She was right.


	8. One Hour After

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so obviously these chapters are shorter but that's because the pace is picking up.
> 
> Prepare your tissues.

Joanna hit the ground hard, her hand twisting under her as she tried to protect her face from the fall. She grunted but didn’t make any other noise, knowing it was what they wanted. 

“This could all end soon if you tell us who of your Admirality has the Comandeer’s ear.”

She glared up at the Telarite, mouth pressed firmly shut.

He kicked her.

“Our people sat here dying while your Federation did nothing. We want revenge. We want justice.”

The Telarite stepped over her, looking down on her body. She relaxed into the ground, slowly counting to ten. 

“Go fuck yourself.”


	9. Two Hours After

Joanna rolled onto her side and spit up the blood that had built up in her mouth. Her body was bruised everywhere from her legs to her shoulder blades.

She laid her head on the ground and shut her eyes, willing the pounding in her head to go away. Panic had fled her about halfway through the first hour as the beating had lengthened. 

She still hadn’t given over any information.

A sound outside the door had her sitting up and scooting over to the wall, head resting against its cool surface. One of her eyes was swollen shut.

The door opened and she saw a Telarite walk in a sad smile on his face.

“You have been most uncooperative.”

She sighed and shifted against the wall.

“Good thing I have such comfortable quarters to soften me up huh?”

The Telarite chuckled and moved into the room, shutting the door.

It was then that Joanna saw the glint of a blade in his hand. 

She swallowed and slowly stood up, eyes watching the Telarite as he pulled out the long blade and twirled it in his hand.

“I don’t want to do this.”

“So don’t.”

“It’s not that simple. Just give us a name.”

“I can’t do that.”

He sighed and ran a hand up the edge of the blade.

“I haven’t even used this yet.”

She repressed a shiver.

“Guess it’s time to break it in.”


	10. Three Hours After

She sat in the chair, arms hanging over the sides, blood dripping down her arms and into small puddles on the ground. Her legs were spread out in front or her, cuts lacing them as well.

Her dress was torn from the strikes to her back and abdomen.

She watched tiredly as the Telarite put the blade away in its sheath. 

He turned to her and grabbed her arm.

“Give me a name.”

“Go to hell.”

He pulled down and she screamed as bone broke and pushed through skin. Before she could recover he had her hair in his hand, pulling her head back. She clutched at her arm,   
whimpering.

“A name.”

“Your mother.”

She hissed as he tugged her out of the chair and slammed her into a wall. 

The door opened.

“They’ve come for her.”

The Telarite nodded and grabbed her by her good arm, steering her out into the hallway. She silently thanked the universe for the stubbornness of the Enterprise’s crew.

The Telarite shoved her into the anteroom and onto the floor. She started to crawl away but he stopped her by slamming his foot on her leg.

It snapped audibly.

She screamed once more.


	11. This Can't Be Happening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know. It gets worse.

They ran down the corridor to the anteroom. Jim held his phaser up in front of him, eyes darting around wildly. Bones followed closely behind him, his own phaser out and held at his side. He watched as Jim stopped in front of the door and pressed his ear to it. 

“I don’t hear-“

An ear piercing scream reached them through the door. Jim threw it open and ran inside, Bones directly behind him. They stopped at the sight in front of them.

Joanna lay on the ground, her clothing ripped into shreds. She was covered in bruises and cuts, old and new overlapping and littering her tan skin. Her face was swollen from the beatings she must have sustained. Her left leg was bent at an awkward angle underneath her, her right arm had bone sticking out of the forearm.

Bones watched as a tear slid down her face and onto the tiled floor, relief radiating off of her body at their presence. 

Jim took a step forward and it was then that Bones saw the Telarite standing above her, his face in a grin as he pressed his foot down on Joanna’s leg, causing her to shriek in pain. She closed her eyes and gently hit her head on the floor.

“Don’t come any closer Captain.”

Jim stopped moving, his eyes fixed on Joanna.

“Please just let her go.”

The Telarite laughed and removed his foot. Joanna groaned and rolled over onto her stomach, face pressed against the floor. Bones slid to his knees, too many thoughts weighing   
him down. His focus was on Joanna. He barely registered Jim’s next sentence.

“You can keep me. I’ll stay and she can go. That’s what you want isn’t it?”

The Telarite shook his head.

“No Captain that is not what we want.”

“Then what do you want!?”

The Telarite cocked his eyebrow at Jim, his arms uncrossing from his chest. He bent down and pulled Joanna up by her shoulders, easily lifting her from the floor. Jim tensed when   
Joanna whimpered as the movement jostled her broken bones. The Telarite pulled out a long knife from his pocket. Bones watched in horror as he pressed the glinting metal to   
Joanna’s neck.

She went still in the Telarite’s arms and Bones got the sinking feeling that she had been in this situation previously. Her entire body showed the evidence of the long knife marks.   
She was submissive to his touch, showing that she would not fight him if he decided to slide the knife along her skin.

“We want revenge Captain. We want revenge on the people who did us injustice. We want them to know the pain that we felt when we needed their help and they did not come.”

Jim fell to his knees just as Bones had. When he spoke next Bones could hear the desperation permeating every word.

“Please. Starfleet doesn’t care about her. They won’t even blink. You won’t be taking revenge because she isn’t high enough on their list of cares. Take me instead. Just take me   
instead. Then your message will be sent.”

The Telarite shook his head again and Bones growled, tears splashing down his face. 

“The only people you’ll be hurting are us.” He gestured at himself and Jim. Jim turned around to look at him, tears falling silently down his own face. He reached out and took   
Bones’ hand, holding on tightly.

“We’re a family. You can’t do this. Don’t take her away from us to get revenge on Starfleet. Please she’s our baby girl.”

Joanna looked up at them, tears falling down her face. The Telarite watched as she reached out for them. Her hands stretching out as if she could grasp theirs. Bones shifted   
forward so he was kneeling next to Jim, tightening his grip on Jim’s hand.

“You can have both of us. Together. Just let her go. Just let our daughter go.”

Joanna shook her head, the knife nicking her skin.

“Dad, Papa no!”

“Stop it Jo.”

“I can’t let you do that!”

Jim looked up at Joanna’s battered face, his blue eyes earnest.

“Joanna please.”

The Telarite gripped her tighter. She gasped at the pressure and her hands came up to try and grasp the blade. Blood dripped down her wrists as it cut into her shaking palms.   
Bones and Jim reached out to her, panic flooding their systems.

The Telarite watched them with interest.

“You really do love her.”

They nodded.

“Tell me, what would happen to you if she was not around?”

Jim hunched over on himself. 

“Please don’t say that. Just let her go!”

“I… I am sorry Captain. Revenge must be taken.”

“DADDY! PAPA!”

Jim looked up just as the knife slid across her throat, blood seeping out of the wound. The Telarite dropped her and stepped away, blood dripping down the blade in his hand.

Bones screamed. He let go of Jim’s hand and scrambled over on his hands and knees to Joanna’s side. Jim stared open mouthed at the scene, shock freezing him in place. He   
watched as Bones tore off a piece of his shirt and pressed it to Joanna’s neck. She convulsed at the feeling.

Jim heard the wet sound of her breathing.

“Joanna shhhh. Shhhh it’s gonna be okay darlin’. I’m gonna fix ya. I am.”

Jim crawled over beside Bones. Joanna looked at him, her body convulsing as she tried to breath in air but only got blood.

“Papa.”

He leaned over and ran a hand throw her hair.

“I’m here baby girl.”

“Don’t want to go.”

Jim pressed his forehead to hers. 

“I know Jo-Jo. You’re not going anywhere.”

She convulsed again and Jim heard the gasping breaths she took as the blood flooded her lungs.

“DAMNIT I NEED A BEAM UP NOW JUST DO IT SCOTTY I DON’T CARE HOW.”

Jim turned his head to see Bones’ flushed face staring down at his communicator. White light began to encase them and Jim looked back down at Joanna’s face.

They were on the transporter pad in MedBay. 

“Jo?”

No reply.

“Jo? Jo please.”

Nothing.

Jim sat up and looked over at Bones.

“No Bones this can’t be happening.”

Bones sat with his head in his hands, his entire body shaking with the sobs that escaped his body. It was a tortured sound that echoed off of the walls and filled up the room. Jim   
looked down at Joanna’s face, his breathing coming in gasps.

Her face was relaxed. She had her eyes turned up to the ceiling, unmoving, unseeing. 

Jim scrambled backwards, a scream tearing out of his chest and taking up the air around him. He clutched at his sides and began rocking back and forth. Bones looked up at him,   
his face shining with tears and it was too much.

Jim got up and ran. He ran out of the room and into the hallway, not caring about the crew members he passed or the looks of sympathy they gave him. He ran to the turbo lift and   
slammed the button for the observation deck, his entire body shaking. 

He got out of the lift and ran down the corridor, breath coming in gasps. It was too much for him, too many emotions, too many what if’s. He opened the door to the observation   
room, locked it and picked up the nearest thing he could find and threw it across the room, screaming after it.

“FUCK. NO FUCKING HELL. NO. NO PLEASE NO.”

He sent something else flying across the room. Before he fell to the ground, sobs breaking free of his body.

Bones didn’t come to find him.


	12. How To Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I hate me too.

Jim fell asleep in the observation room. He didn’t know how long he stayed there. He knew he needed to get up, to find Bones, to mourn with him. He knew he needed to go see Jo one more time.

He knew all of this and yet he couldn’t move. He just lay there on the cold floor of the observation deck, staring at the dark ceiling. 

Eventually he registered the sound of the door opening and closing. He heard the soft pound of feet on the floor. He felt the body slide down next to him, lining itself up with his.

“It’s not your fault Jim.”

There it was. The words that broke down his wall he built as he lay on the floor. He turned his head and looked into Bones’ hazel eyes. 

“Yes it is. It’s my fault she was down there. I should have listened to Spock. I should have told her to stay. I should have gotten her out of there before we beamed up. I should have   
made him take me instead. Bones how can you even look at me?”

He sat up swiftly, head falling in between his knees.

“Jim you can’t let the guilt eat you.”

Jim turned to look at him as he sat up. He felt his tears start running down his face and he felt angry. Angry that Bones wasn’t.

“I’M THE REASON SHE’S DEAD BONES. ME. I KILLED JOANNA. I KILLED HER AND SHE’S NEVER COMING BACK. I DID THIS BONES.”

Jim stood up and crossed to the window and stared out at the stars around them. 

“You think this is just your fault? Jim LOOK AT ME.”

Jim pressed his forehead into the glass and closed his eyes, willing for the tears to stop flowing. He felt Bones standing next to him and he tilted his head to look at him.

“I’m not going to get angry at you Jim. I know that’s what you want and I won’t do it. I won’t.”

Bones pulled him into a rough embrace, Jim’s back against the wall.

“I wish I could get sucked out there Bones. I wish I couldn’t feel. You’re so much braver than I am. I’m just a coward. You stayed. You stayed and saw them pick her up and clean   
her off. I can’t-“

Bone silenced him with a kiss.

“You shut your mouth Jim. I ran just like you. I ran like a fucking coward just like you. I went to our room. Jim I got drunk and I broke almost everything I could find.”

Jim opened his eyes and looked at Bones’ face, registering the dark circles and the puff eyes. 

“She’s gone Bones.”

“I know.”

“What do we do now?”

Bones pulled away and took his hand, pulling him to the door. They walked to the turbo lift and Bones hit the button for MedBay. They stood close together as the doors opened,   
both sets of eyes downcast as they walked down the corridor. 

They stopped in front of the morgue.

Jim looked over at Bones.

“We need to say goodbye Jim.”

He opened the door and they walked inside, hand in hand. Bones led them to the last bed on the left.

Joanna’s face was smooth, her eyes were closed. She wore her command gold uniform dress and boots, her hands clasped on top of her stomach. She had been cleaned and fixed   
up, her arm and leg were both in their proper placement, her bruises were completely gone, and the cut on her throat was nothing more than a thin white line. Jim reached out   
and brushed a piece of hair from her forehead, careful to not touch her skin.

They didn’t talk.


	13. Holding On Till I'm Gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end.   
> I will miss this series so much. Thank you for following.
> 
> LLAP

Bones walked out into the quad and took a deep breath. Jim’s hand squeezed around his and he looked over at him. 

His eyes were bright blue, almost blinding. In their depths there was a sadness that Bones knew he mirrored in his own. They both ware their special occasion black uniforms.   
Bones reached over and fixed the medals on Jim’s chest, straightening them out and patting them down softly.

The fall air was crisp around them, the trees in the quad all different vibrant colors. Jim looked around at them.

“This was Joanna’s favorite time of year.”

Bones smiled softly and kissed him on the cheek.

“I know. Remember the time we came back a day early and surprised her when she was sitting in one of the trees studying?”

Jim laughed and looked back at Bones.

“Yeah she saw us from across the quad and practically broke her ankle getting out of the tree. I don’t think I’ve seen her run faster.”

Bones laughed along with him.

“Yeah she was a sight that day. Flew right into our arms remember?”

They both smiled and began to walk to the other side of the quad where everyone was waiting. 

“That’s how I want to remember her Bones.”

“So we will.”

They walked quickly to the front of the group of waiting people. As they walked up to the podium everyone sat down in their seats. A swarm of black figures on a bright green   
lawn surrounded by vibrant fall colors filled Jim’s eyes as he took his seat on the stage. Bones walked up to the podium and cleared his throat.

“I’m not really sure what to say honestly. She was so full of life. She radiated energy all the time, kind of like Jim does. This was her favorite time of year you know. She always said   
she wanted to get married in the fall, the leaves falling down around her.”

Bones looked down at his hands and shook his head. 

“Now she has to be buried in the fall. I’m going to miss her so much. We all are.”

He stepped away and walked over to Jim, sitting down next to him. He reached out and took his hand. Jocelyn walked up to the podium, tears already falling down her face. She   
wrung her hands in front of her.

“Joanna was my baby girl. Some of you knew her since she was a baby girl. You know what a light she was and now it’s gone. It’s gone with her. I know you feel the same pain we   
do. I loved her so much. We shouldn’t have to be doing this but we are. So we say our goodbyes to her. I love you Joanna.”

She walked and sat back down, staring at her feet. Jim looked over at Bones and saw that his eyes were closed, tears streaming quietly from the corners. He stood up and walked   
over to the podium, looking out at the sea of faces.

“I look out at all of you and I start to look for Jo. I look for her bright smile and the glint of her braid. I look for her sitting in the trees like she used to do in the Academy. I look for   
her in the front row with the rest of the Bridge crew. 

I’ll never stop looking for her in things and I know I’ll never stop seeing her in them either. 

Jo was my little girl. I love her.”

His voice broke and the tears he had tried to hold back fell freely down his face. He gritted his teeth and took a deep breath.

“She used to ask me how I could hold on. How could I hold on to the pain of being a Captain? How could I make it through the days where crew members wouldn’t make it? How   
could I handle the stress of everything?

I told her that you hold on till you’re gone. You hold on because you have to. You hold on because there are people who need you and love you. 

When we started our first five year tour she was upset. She said she was going to miss us too much. She had just started at the Academy. That night I sang to her to get her to relax.”

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, picturing that night on the couch, Joanna’s legs in his lap and her head curled into his shoulder. Bones sat next to her, his arm around   
the both of them. 

 

“Of all the money that e'er I had,  
I spent it in good company.  
And all the harm that e'er I've done,  
Alas! it was to none but me.  
And all I've done for want of wit  
To mem'ry now I can't recall  
So fill to me the parting glass  
Good night and joy be with you all.

Of all the comrades that e'er I had,  
They are sorry for my going away,  
And all the sweethearts that e'er I had,  
They would wish me one more day to stay,  
But since it falls unto my lot,  
That I should rise and you should not,  
I'll gently rise and I'll softly call,  
Good night and joy be with you all.”

 

Soon other voices joined his.

“A man may drink and not be drunk,  
A man may fight and not be slain,  
A man may court a pretty girl,  
And perhaps be welcome back again.  
But since it has so ought to be,  
By a time to rise and a time to fall,  
Come fill to me the parting glass,  
Good night and joy be with you all.  
Good night and joy be with you all.”

 

Jim stepped away from the podium and over to Bones. He pulled him up and they embraced, tears falling silently onto each other’s uniforms. The quad was silent as they pulled away from each other and walked off of the stage.

It wasn’t going to be easy and it wasn’t going to be quick but one day they would be okay again. One day the pain in their eyes would wane away.  
Bones felt the band of Jim’s wedding ring against his fingers. He smiled up at the sky and tugged him a little closer.

“How are we going to do this Bones?”

He looked over at Jim and kissed him softly.

“What you said. We hold on till we’re gone.”


End file.
